“There are two types of gamblers - losers and liars” — My Uncle Eddie

I was sitting in a local tavern while counseling one of my parishioners over several beers.

He soon pulled out 40, one dollar “Fantasy Five” lottery tickets to have the bartender check for him.

I’ll call this guy “Ron” for the sake of this story.

I’ve known Ron for many years; he’s a disabled Veteran who lives in subsidized housing and sustains off of $945 a month from disability benefits.

I asked him, “How much do you win if you hit all five numbers?”

“It depends on how many people play, but the last time somebody won, it paid about $50,000,” he said.

I picked up a play slip, turned it over and examined the odds.

I continued, “You know Ron, your odds of hitting all five are one in 575,757 - and you only get paid $50,000?”

“Who cares what the odds are?

“As long as I win and get paid, that’s all that matters to me,” he responded, slightly irritated.

Trying to knock some common sense into Ron, I said, “If you bought every single combination, you would spend $575,757 to get back $50,000.

“They’re taking your one dollar and giving you back 9 cents!”

He took another gulp of beer and increasingly pissed off he said, “You’re a moron!

“You would have to be stupid to buy that many tickets!

“That’s why I buy only 40.

“Forty tickets gives me a lot better chance than buying just one.”

Trying to calm him down I said, “You’re right Ron; it’s better to have a 40 in 575,757 chance than a 1 in 575,757 chance.”

By this time, the bartender returned with the results of his forty tickets - three “replays” but no money.

He looked over at me and said, “You can’t win every time, but that $50,000, or whatever it will pay, is certainly going to come in handy when I do win it.”

I had a bright idea to see just how ignorant this guy is.

I asked him, “How would you like to win some of your money back right now?”

He looked at me with suspicion and said, “What do I have to do?”

“Simple,” I explained, “all you have to do is guess the number that you’re about to roll on a single die.”

“That’s it?”

“Yeah, that’s it!

“For every dollar you put up you get three plus your original dollar back when you’re right,” I said.

Ron laughed, “Can I bet more than one number?”

“Of course, you can bet all six if you want.”

I asked for a piece of paper, a pen and a couple of dice from the bartender.

I divided the paper into six sections and marked each section from one to six.

“OK Ron, put a dollar on the numbers you want to bet, pick one of the two dice and roll,” I said.

Ron gave a greedy laugh while he put a dollar each on number one, three and six.

He picked up the die and rolled a four.

I took his three dollars; again he put a dollar up on each of the same numbers - one, three and six.

Ron picked up the same die and rolled a three.

He laughed, “See, I told you! You need to make multiple bets.”

I handed Ron his three dollar prize plus his original dollar that he bet on number three and congratulated him.

Ron played the same numbers again and rolled a six.

He was happy; I paid him.

We played eight more times.

Every time Ron lost, I kept his three dollars; every time he won, I gave him back what was on the “board” and handed him a buck out of my pocket.

Out of 11 “games,” Ron had a winning number on five of them.

I collected a total of $33 dollars in wagers and gave him back $15 in prizes.

Ron was happy when he won; but since the game isn’t very exciting, we stopped playing after 11 rolls.

Ron attributed the fact that he had less money now than when we started on his “luck.”

“A lottery is nothing more than a tax on the mathematically challenged” –Benjamin Franklin

Not to take advantage of a disabled veteran - for all I knew he suffered a brain injury - I bought him several beers with the money I just “earned.”

What astonishes me, is that his view towards gambling is pretty typical of the chronic “serious” lottery player.

Let’s face it, the only entities to make money from gambling in the long run are the bookies, casinos and government.

Most gamblers realize that the odds are stacked against them.

Statistically over several hundred turns, if you play a decent game of blackjack or craps, you put up one dollar and get back 95-97% of your money.

Due to the fluctuations of probability, it will appear as though you’re either winning or losing larger amounts.

Roulette, slots, sports games and horse races are geared to take 5-25% of every dollar wagered - and to most knowledgeable gamblers, 25% is too much.

Even the mafia, when they ran numbers, would take no more than 33 cents on the dollar.

State lotteries are just an out right plain as day rip off taking over half the money you put in.

What about the Super Jackpot Lotteries?

The “Power Ball” or 6/49 games - whatever they’re called in different parts of the country - are all run the same.

You buy a ticket for a dollar; less than 40 cents goes back into the prize pool.

Even though the jackpot may be $12 million, the odds of winning might be one in 60 million.

Then, if you’re lucky enough to win, they take that $12 million, put it in an annuity and pay you off over the next twenty years, using the interest the prize money has generated!

Of course, you could have taken the “one lump sum” option - where you take only half the jack pot!

You can make big bucks in a lottery!

The problem is, you have to run your own.

More than likely, for political reasons, it is illegal where you are.

But, if it were legal, a lottery could be something as simple as picking the last three numbers of the Friday closing of the Dow.

The odds are one in 1,000.

So, if you guarantee a payoff of $500 to the winner, you would be able to keep half the money you collect long term - just have the prize money in reserve first, just in case!

When I feel like playing the lottery, either out of shear drunkenness or fantasizing about a very large jackpot, I will always buy two tickets.

Why two?

Taking advice from Ron, two tickets gives me more of a chance to win as opposed to just one!

- The Fairness Doctrine required media outlets to provide equal time for opposing view points.

- Broadcast frequencies were assigned to companies - not to the highest bidder, but by what the FCC determined as the “best public use.”

- A corporation was only allowed to own a certain amount of radio, TV and newspapers in any geographical location; this was to keep any one company from monopolizing what was seen, heard or read in the area.

In 1982, 50 companies controlled half or more of the media business.

When the Reagan Administration took power in the early 1980’s, many of the doctrines of the FCC were considered outdated.

The FCC was revamped to promote a more “free market” approach to broadcast and print media.

In 1987 the FCC abolished the Fairness Doctrine.

In 1994, broadcast spectrums were auctioned to the highest bidder, regardless of “best public use;” this made only the largest and most powerful of corporations able to afford them.

Large media giants swallowed the smaller companies that could not afford to compete.

In 2003, the FCC Media Bureau produced a draft report analyzing the impact of deregulation in the radio industry.

The report stated that from March 1996 through March 2003, the number of commercial radio stations on the air rose 5.9 percent while the number of station owners fell 35 percent.

Today, most of what we see, hear and read is controlled by nine large media conglomerates; the largest five are Time Warner, Disney, Bertelsmann, Viacom, and Rupert Murdoch’s News Corporation (i.e. FOX News).

Now, take into consideration the fact that 1% of the population controls more than 50% of the wealth of this nation.

That 1% know each other very well!

Call them what you want, the illuminati or whatever, but these are the few families that chose the candidates that we are allowed to pick from.

These candidates, no matter who wins, are no more than puppets of the billionaire families that control the nation’s industry and money.

The way the electoral college is structured, the process only works if you have two serious candidates, and the powers that be make sure they own them both.

So, when Congressman Ron Paul (aka Dr. Paul) from Texas entered the Presidential race last year, he was pretty much written off by the mainstream media as an “extremist” due to his “unconventional” views.

Dr. Paul, did make sense to a lot who listened; his respect for the Constitution, his ideas of small government, a sane fiscal policy and civil liberties are popular ideas in today’s mass-deficit, intrusive totalitarian police state.

But, his ideas and platform challenge the power of the few who control the money, government and media; Congressman Paul’s ideas threaten the status quo.

Ten years ago, the media would have just ignored Dr. Paul until he faded away into obscurity.

However, he gained massive support through the unregulated internet.

So when Dr. Paul won most of the Republican Straw Polls, most of the post debate call-in and internet polls and raised more money in a single day than any other Presidential candidate, the main stream media could no longer ignore Dr. Paul.

How The Media Destroys Candidates

The media down played Dr. Paul’s popularity by blaming it on a few “spammers” that did not represent the majority of voters.

Sean Hannity dissed Ron Paul winning a FOX text poll by saying, “(the poll) is just a lot of fun.”

When FOX News (”Fair and balanced,” “We Report, You Decide”) excluded Dr. Paul from the New Hampshire debates due to “lack of room” it became increasingly clear to more Americans who is choosing our candidates.

At the time when the New Hampshire debates aired, Congressman Paul had already kicked Giuliani’s ass in the Iowa Caucus and had raised more money than any other Republican in that quarter.

FOX had room for Giuliani, but not for Congressman Paul!

The media started to increase the use of adjectives when reporting on Congressman Paul to give the impression to the average voter that his chances of winning were very slim…

“Dark horse candidate Ron Paul…”

“Long shot candidate Ron Paul…”

The media can’t control what Dr. Paul says in the debates but, since they control the cameras, they can pan across to his opponents as they act shocked and mystified when Dr. Paul schools them on the Constitution and fiscal responsibility…

After all, if the other candidates seem shocked at what is being said, shouldn’t most Americans?

Sad to say, most American voters view their ballot as a betting card, not an instrument of Democracy.

I’ve talked to many people who are not concerned about voting for the most qualified candidate, but for the winner.

After all, if you vote for a loser, didn’t you just waste your vote?

“The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.” - Winston Churchill

It’s hard for the media to ignore Ron Paul, especially his vocal supporters…

Of course, the news reports all Ron Paul supporters as anarchists, conspiracy theorists, racists and wackos.

What “average” American voter wants to be stereotyped as such?

But, the media has a great way to ruin Dr. Paul’s campaign (or any other candidate for that matter) - by simply doing their best to ignore him!

Ron Paul has raised most of his money through individuals on the internet, the most of any other candidate; so when the Orlando Sentinel displayed a widget that would allow you to “find out who in your neighborhood donated to which presidential candidate,” they simply left Dr. Paul out as if he wasn’t running.

Ron Paul came in second place in the Nevada Caucus…

The New York Times didn’t even list Dr. Paul and had McCain coming in second, when he actually finished third in Nevada!

Even the BBC News, which has a reputation for being fair and balanced, doesn’t even list Ron Paul on any of their polls!

So, close to the South Carolina primary, Yahoo News doesn’t have room for Ron Paul’s picture?

However, they have room for Giuliani who has been losing to Dr. Paul!

But, when they have too much space, a question mark is good filler!

I watched the debate last night on CNN at the Reagan Library and it was apparent to me that Ron Paul won the debate hands down.

Yes, I know that is only my opinion.

However, when I picked up a local paper today, one of the headlines read, “GOP Nomination Now Between McCain And Romney.”

Of Course, they have to announce this before the Super Tuesday primaries to alert all the sheep to either stay home or vote for either candidate.

“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.” - George Carlin

I will be voting for Dr. Paul.

He still does have a chance, but I am leaving room on my bumper for a “Don’t Blame Me, I Voted For Ron Paul” sticker!

Sources:

Hannity disses Ron Paul victory in Fox post-debate poll

The FCC

FCC History Notes

More FCC History Notes

Once the government has control over the health care of American citizens, the government will have total control over the population.

After all, the government already knows where we live, how much we supposedly make, they eavesdrop on our phone calls and emails; once they take control of our health care, they will own the populace.

I was bending the ear of one of my bartender constituents complaining about a $100 seatbelt ticket that I got last month.

The bartender said, “All Knowing One, you know that you should wear your seatbelt.”

“Seatbelts are a good idea and have saved many lives, but I don’t deserve to be pulled over, harassed and ticketed just because I chose not to wear my seatbelt,” I said.

“But if you’re injured because you weren’t wearing your seatbelt, society has to pay for it,” she responded.

So, these laws aren’t meant to thwart Darwinism, they’re meant to save the taxpayers’ money?

From what I have read, statistically, wearing your seatbelt will improve your chances of surviving an accident.

However, we still hear of instances where someone was “thrown clear of the accident” or flew through the windshield before the engine smashed into the front seat.

There are arguments for and against seatbelt use.

But the fact of the matter is, with a seatbelt mandate, the individual does not have a right to make his own decision about wearing one.

Another absurdity are motorcycle helmet laws.

My friend Matt still cries to this day, “If there was a helmet law when I got into my motorcycle accident, I wouldn’t have this scar across my neck.”

“Well, you always had the choice to wear one, why didn’t you wear one?” I asked.

“It was not the law,” he responded.

“People need somebody to watch over them. Ninety-five percent of the people in the world need to be told what to do and how to behave.”

–Arnold Schwarzenegger, in a 1990 interview with U.S. News.

My biker friend Pete tells me, “The best way to survive an accident is to avoid an accident.

“Helmets obstruct your peripheral vision and your hearing; they also cause fatigue on your neck.

“But since the government assumes that eventually everyone will get into an accident they mandate that you wear one.”

It started with seemingly innocent laws to protect people.

Now, for the “safety of the public” laws are expanding to take away our freedom of choice even further to…

…regulate our food by banning trans fats and other ingredients that have no political lobby.

…make psychiatric assessments mandatory in public schools.

…outlaw health care freedom by making vitamins, minerals and medicinal herbs available only through a prescription.

…regulate your behavior at home by banning smoking in your own residence.

“They’re talking about banning cigarette smoking now in any place that’s used by ten or more people in a week,
which, I guess, means that Madonna can’t even smoke in bed.”

- Bill Maher

If “Universal Health Care” ever takes hold in the United States, there will be no stopping the government from infringing on our freedom to control our own lives.

If we are mandated to wear helmets on motorcycles and seatbelts in cars to reduce the taxpayers’ burden, then why should we not be forced to maintain a certain “healthy” weight, low cholesterol level, exercise regularly, abstain from smoking and be subjected to random drug tests?

After all, it would be for the common good and cheaper on the taxpayer, wouldn’t it?

Democratic presidential hopeful John Edwards announced that part of his socialized medicine plan would require mandatory physical exams for all Americans.

“If you are going to be in the system, you can’t choose not to go to the doctor… You have to go in and be checked and make sure that you are OK.”

- John Edwards

So not only would you be forced to go to a government doctor every year to get an “OK” stamped on your ass, but you would have no choice on how any ailment would be prevented or treated.

Do you really think the government would approve and fund alternate medical treatments?

If universal health care ever does arrive in the United States, gone will be the individual’s right to chose how he will live his life.

Tonight I felt humiliated.

Tonight is the night that I must recommend to all who follow my teachings to vote for Ron Paul, and vote as often as you can.

So, what happened tonight?

My girlfriend has a severe December head cold, so I went across the street to buy some real Sudafed - the stuff that contains Pseudoephedrine HCI.

Pseudoephedrine is the stuff that the speed cooks make methamphetamine out of, and for the last few years whenever I’ve had to buy it, I was forced to sign a joke book supposedly tracking my purchase.

In the last year I have purchased three boxes (NOT CASES!) of Sudafed and in each time I signed the names of “George W. Bush,” “Alfred E. Neuman” and “Jack N. Mehoff.”

Pretty juvenile as far as humor goes, but I didn’t want to press my luck by signing “Fuck Off Assholes.”

But tonight, my purchase was different.

The hot and young cashier at the CVS actually asked, “Do you have your ID with you?”

“Uh, no. How old do you have to be to buy Sudafed?” I asked.

“We just need a valid California ID.”

So, I went home and brought back my valid California ID.

The cashier was swiping my card and swiping my card as the checkout line built up behind me.

She said, “Your magnetic strip doesn’t work; I have to enter everything manually.”

She called for a second checker.

My knowledge of technology is limited, but when I dragged my driver’s license across a powerful stereo magnet when I first got it, I think it might have damaged the ability to read it.

As she was manually inputting all my personal information, I asked, “So where does that information go?”

“It stays with us,” she said.

“Why? For what reason?”

“Incase you buy another one tomorrow.”

“So I can’t buy another box of Sudafed tomorrow?”

“You can buy another box tomorrow, but we’ll just know about it,” she responded.

So big brother is collecting information about me incase I might decide to accumulate all the Sudafed boxes that I buy and cook up a batch of meth?

I don’t even know how to do that, and knowing some tweakers over the years and seeing how it ruined their lives doesn’t make me want to even try it.

This whole “track the Sudafed purchasers” is apparently part of the fascist “Patriot” Act that only a handful of Congressmen voted against.

The “Patriot” Act is supposed to protect us from terrorists, but how tracking my Sudafed purchases will protect the nation from terrorist attacks is beyond me.

Ron Paul is the only top tier candidate that is running for president that opposed the “Patriot” Act from the beginning; he also opposed the Iraq war from the beginning.

Dr. Paul is the only candidate with a chance of winning that would give the people back the nation, dissolve the IRS and bring our troops home.

I don’t agree with everything he says, but Dr. Paul is honest, sincere and wants to restore the United States Constitution.

Guru Jeff and The Temple Of The Holy Pinecone hereby endorses Dr. Ron Paul for President of The United States.

For more information on Ron Paul for President, please go to:

http://ronpaul2008.com

Search YouTube For Ron Paul

Google Ron Paul

I felt grown up, like I was old enough to work - after all, I now had a Social Security number!

But soon after, I realized that my “number” was more important to others than my name.

For the last 10 years, I have made it a point never to give my Social Security number out unless it has something to do with Social Security or taxation - the only exception to this is when I refinanced my Temple to pay legal fees.

When Social Security first came out in the 1930’s, even people with no religious beliefs expressed concern over the numbering of individuals.

To quell this paranoia against the Federal government, the masses were assured that the Social Security numbers would not be used for anything other than Social Security or taxation purposes.

Printed at the bottom of the original Social Security cards was even the government guarantee, “FOR SOCIAL SECURITY AND TAX PURPOSES - NOT FOR IDENTIFICATION.”

According to the 1974 Privacy Act Notice, a government agency must provide you the reason why they require the collection of your Social Security number.

However, over the 60 plus years that Social Security numbers have been around, the Federal and State governments have done what they do best - they reneged on their original guarantee and redefined the role and purpose of this “NOT FOR IDENTIFICATION” number.

Now you can’t even apply for a driver’s license without divulging your Social Security number.

Can anyone explain what driving has to do with Social Security or taxation?

As far as private companies are concerned, they may ask for or even “require” your Social Security number, but you aren’t legally obligated to give it; although they aren’t required to do business with you if you don’t.

This year, Bank of America announced that they would provide credit cards for those individuals without Social Security numbers.

The media-zombied American public was outraged against Bank of America.

They assumed that the credit product was targeting and helping illegal immigrants - a segment of the population that is notorious for not having valid Social Security numbers.

But let’s set the record straight on Social Security numbers!

There is no law that requires American Citizens to have or obtain a Social Security number.

You are not required to disclose your Social Security number when you apply for a job.

It is actually better to write “will provide upon hire.”

If not, your application and your Social Security number will pass through many hands and most likely will end up in some unsecured trash bin.

Most people have been lead to believe their credit history is tied to their Social Security number.

This is actually true in some respect, but the only thing that you need to run a credit report is the name, birth date and address for the last two years of the creditor.

I have obtained a credit card, ordered utilities and signed a satellite television contract without divulging my Social Security number.

I have also been hung up on and yelled at a lot of the times when I refuse to give my number, but I don’t care.

I have always paid my obligations and have never committed fraud; I just want it to be known, that I am a name, not a number.

How to be a pain in the ass to the establishment:

• Do not carry your Social Security card with you; this is good practice even if you are willing to be a number.

• Do not memorize, or  pretend not to know, your Social Security number.

I was stopped walking down the street by the Police one night; I didn’t have my wallet, pretended not to know my Social Security number, but was able to identify myself based on my name and birth date regardless.

If you need to give a Social Security number to a company for some lame reason, like a gym membership or tool rental, just make up a number that is similar, but not too similar, to your own.

The last time I ran a credit report on myself, the back page had listed two additional Social Security numbers under the heading “Other Social Security Numbers Used.”

• Use local credit that does not require you to give your Social Security number.

Local bars, bookies and “loan sharks” tend to run tabs and provide loans for people they know.

For the real anarchist, you can also put your savings in Gold; buying and selling Gold do not require Social Security numbers.

By default, hospitals issue Social Security numbers to newborns; you can opt out of this before birth if you make your wishes clear to the hospital  staff.

Let’s hold the government to their original word about the use of Social Security numbers; let’s refuse to use the “number of the beast.”

If we don’t act now, we may soon be subject to the new Social Security card…

“And he causeth all, both small and great, rich and poor, free and bond, to receive a mark in their right hand, or in their foreheads

“And that no man might buy or sell, save he that had the mark, or the name of the beast, or the number of his name.” –Revelation 13:16-17

Have you ever come across a friend or coworker who is devastated because their team lost the previous night, only to find out that they didn’t even have money on the game?

Deep down, they don’t care about “their team.”

They just want someone and something to talk about.

After all, no rational individual could possibly be emotionally upset over something that doesn’t change the destiny of their own lives.

Nothing apparently bonds people together than meaningless sports talk.

To the masses, it’s easier to talk about sports than politics and religion and it’s more politically correct than talking about boobies.

The problem is, most of the sports talk is about the most boring and meaningless spectator events in existence.

Below is a compilation of Guru Jeff’s 10 worst and 10 best spectator sports.

Not only will this list help you plan your weekend, but it will help you decide how lonely and desperate your coworkers and friends are for conversation.

The Top 10 Worst Spectator Sports:

10 - Hockey

What’s the point of going to a hockey game?

To watch the fights of course!

Skip everything in between and just go to a boxing match.

9 - Basketball - Watching tall guys run up and down a court and throwing a ball in a basket that they can barely reach is exciting - for about ten minutes at most.

This is a meaningless game that nobody cares about and is nothing more than a conversation catalyst.

8 - Mens’ Tennis - Unless you’re gay, watching two sweaty guys hit a ball back and forth is pointless and will make your neck hurt.

7 - NASCAR

What can be more boring than watching the same cars going around an oval track making nothing but left turns?

The only thing that makes this sport even slightly bearable is “people watching” the inbred audience and the occasional crash.

6 - Soccer (aka “Kick Ball”) - A bunch of guys running around a field, kicking a ball will put most sober fans to sleep.

Scoring in the game is so few and far between, that when it does happen, fans treat it as a miracle.

To further confuse the spectators, the clock counts upwards, not downwards.

Unlike hockey, where the fans show up to watch the players fight, the spectators can actually participate in the brawls.

5 - Bicycle Racing - It’s like watching a busy bike path at the beach.

Notice how the only part of a bike race that makes the news is the occasional crash and the winner passing the finish line?

4 - Curling

Shuffleboard on ice played with brooms - Wow!

3 - Poker - No action, no expressions, a lot of luck - plus you’re watching other people win money!

The entertainment value of the player’s goofy glasses and Halloween costumes wears thin really quickly.

Should this even be considered a sport?

2 - Baseball - Ever see the Simpson’s episode when Homer quits drinking for 30 days?

Sober, Homer decides to attend a baseball game with Barney, who we see double fisting beer during the game.

Homer sits there as the announcer says over and over again, “..and here’s the pitch, and he misses…”

Homer then thinks to himself, “This really is a boring game.”

But why is baseball as popular as it is?

Before the first pitch, most of the audience is too wasted from the tailgating parties to realize how boring the game actually is.

During the game, the only thing that keeps the spectators entertained is the $10 beers, “the wave,” and the audience throwing toilet paper rolls and beach balls at each other.

1 - Golf - Unless you’re witnessing Gerald Ford wrap one of his clubs around a tree, there isn’t much excitement watching someone walk up to a patch of grass, hit a ball and walk away.

Being a spectator at a golf tournament actually sucks a lot worse than being at a baseball game; there’s no pre-tournament bumper parties and you can’t even talk to each other or clap too loudly.

Watching golf is sort of like being in High School detention watching the minute hand travel around the clock.

The 10 Best Spectator Sports:

10 - American Football - This game has something for everyone!

The running, passing and tackles make this sport action packed to watch.

A bet with your local bookie and true emotions felt toward the home team or school make it a moving experience.

Even the gay guys will like the players reaching between each other’s legs and patting each other on the butt.

9 - Jousting

The original game of chicken!

Probably not quite as entertaining as in day’s of old, and definitely a lot safer, but the shear entertainment value of two participants on horseback coming at each other with gouging devices is unparalleled.

8 - Womens’ Tennis

If it weren’t for the female grunting and occasional nipple slip, this sport would suck as bad as watching mens’ tennis.

7 - Demolition Derby

Lets cut to the chase of why people watch auto racing in the first place - it’s the crashes!

Unfortunately, the cars nowadays are so poorly constructed, it’s hard to find a demolition derby.

6 - Airplane Racing

Seemingly crazy pilots in ultra performance airplanes try and beat each other’s time by low flying around an obstacle course.

Unlike most sports, the crashes tend to all be fatal.

5 - Ski Jumping

Unless you are a true sadist, you can’t help but hope these guys land safely and without a scratch.

4 - Female Mud Wrestling

The name says it all!

It’s an easy sport to watch without placing a bet.

After all, who really cares who wins?

3 - Horse Racing

Cashing in on predicting the future is what makes horse racing so exciting.

This spectator sport is perfect for those who have a low attention span; races seldom last more than a minute and a half.

2 - Boxing - A Hockey game without the annoying Hockey part.

1 - Mixed Martial Arts

What can be more entertaining than two guys (or gals!) punching, kicking and strangling each other in a fighting contest with minimal rules?

Even people who have complained about the brutality of this sport can’t turn away from watching it.

Hands down, Mixed Martial Arts, or Cage Fighting, is the best contemporary spectator sport!

International:

Paris Hilton will broker a lasting Middle East peace deal and become the most trusted American spokeswoman in the Muslim world.

Iran will give up their nuclear ambitions and outsource the effort to India.

Osama Bin Laden will market a soft drink flavored with opium; the soda will be called, “Al Qaeda Cola” and target the Afghanistan and Pakistan market.

North Korea will buy five tons of yellow cake from Betty Crocker.

Fidel Castro will kick the bucket without the help of the CIA.

A special beer will be invented to help end world hunger; it will be called “Gruel-Meister.”

Politics:

The Illuminati will launch a smear campaign to thwart the Republican presidential nomination of Dr. Ron Paul.

Rudy Giuliani’s mafia connections will emerge.

Hillary Clinton will be outed as a lesbian.

Bill Clinton will start his own internet porn site.

President Bush will say something really stupid during one of his speeches.

In The United States:

A long shot will win the Kentucky Derby; the horses name will be… will be… it will have more than five letters in the name and at least two vowels.

Mindless television programs will dominate the airwaves.

Americans will, by in large, continue to get fatter; no pun intended.

OJ Simpson will be found not guilty in his Las Vegas armed robbery trial; his defense motto will be, “If OJ didn’t run, of course there was no gun.”

It will rain in drought-affected areas.

Donald Rumsfeld will launch a career as a television preacher; he will become famous for his on the air faith healings and conversations with God.

A famous celebrity will die in an automobile crash.

Rush Limbaugh will market his own diet and exercise program.

Business:

Opec will announce that they will soon accept Euros and Yen for payment of oil.

The American Dollar will start to compete in value with the Zimbabwean Dollar.

The Illuminati will plan to “liberate the entire Middle East.”

Microsoft and Walmart will conspire to buy Red China.

It has been said before that to see into the future, one must look into the past.

The United States seems to be going backwards in the judicial process, so please allow me to tell Jorge’s story on arrest and torture in Costa Rica.

Jorge is a Costa Rican national who grew up in the country before becoming a hippy in the United States in the 1970’s.

Jorge started off by saying, “To stem corruption in Costa Rica, every four years, everyone in the Police force resigns his or her position.

“It doesn’t matter if you’re a street cop or the Chief of Police, everyone resigns.

“This keeps corruption to a minimum, but there is also a lack of expertise and experience from veteran officers.

“Not too many Police officers even know what the law is, so if they catch you doing something that they think is questionable, a lot of times they’ll argue amongst themselves whether it’s against the law or not.

“I was standing outside my house one day in the 1960’s and was arrested for ‘indecent exposure.’

“The Police had never seen anybody wearing short pants until then, and figured that exposing the bare legs was obscene.

“They took me down to the Police Station for booking.

“I asked to make a phone call, but they wanted me to pay and I didn’t have any money.

“I explained that in the United States when a person is arrested, they are entitled to one free phone call.

“They talked amongst themselves and liked that idea so much, they made it policy at the station.

“A relative came down, paid the fine and I was let go.

“Another time in the 1970’s, me and this other guy were seeing the same woman; it pissed him off because she liked me better than him.

“So this other guy goes down to the Police Station and files a ‘Denuncia’ against me and declared that I am an international drug dealer.

“A ‘Denuncia’ is a sworn statement against someone; that’s all the Police need to arrest someone without evidence.

“So the Police came, arrested me and took me to the Police Station.

“They questioned me for hours, but I wouldn’t confess; I wasn’t a drug dealer and explained to them that the guy who filed the Denuncia was trying to get involved with my girlfriend.

“When I wouldn’t confess after several hours, they started to beat me.

“Eventually they took all my clothes off, tied me to a board and passed electricity between an electrode attached to my ear and another one clamped to my testicles.

“I was in so much pain - the most pain I have ever been in my entire life; it was excruciating.

“But there was no way I would confess.

“Costa Rican prisons, like all the prisons in South America and torturous hell holes.

“The prison by our town was up on top of a hill, it looked ominous.

“It’s just a walled off community with armed guards surrounding it.

“If your relatives don’t send you food, or if you don’t have any money, you either have to eat rats or trade sexual favors for food.

“You also have to find a place to live once you’re there; they don’t just give you a cell like they do here in America.

“We would all joke as kids that if we were bad, we would be sent there; that kept many kids straight.

“I was facing 10 years to life in a place like that if I had confessed to the charges in the Denuncia.

“I would rather have died than confess, and I really thought I was going to die.

“Sometime during the beating and electrocutions, I passed out from the excruciating pain.

“The Police rented a hotel room, under protest from the manager, and left me there to either wake up or die.

“I eventually came to, but I was really fucked up.

“I had bruises, welts and burns all over my body and groin area.

“It took me more than a month to recover to the point where I was functional.”

I asked, “So what happened to the guy that filed the false Denuncia?”

Jorge continued, “After I got better, I hid outside his house with a lead pipe.

“When he when outside to go to work, I smashed his head in from the back an kept hitting him until I thought he was dead.”

“Did he die?” I asked.

“Unfortunately not.”

“So after you tried to kill him, what happened to you? Did you get arrested again?” I asked.

Jorge answered, “Of course not! If someone files a false Denuncia against you, the Police expect you to go and kill that person.”

It was also explained to me that Americans were treated a lot better than the Costa Ricans, because of the wealth that they generally had.

So, is this American justice of the future?

Probably not to that extent.

But there is one thing that I liked about Jorge’s story.

I think everyone at one time in their lives has been accused of something that they didn’t do.

How often could you get away with stalking your false accuser down with the intent on killing him?

It originally began with that guy in the Bible that ate the apple. Life wasn’t too swift after he ate it, huh?

We are tempted our whole lives to thwart honesty by our own thought process; it started when we were young and it progressed throughout life:

• I can hide my vegetables under my napkin–my mother will never know–so I can get dessert.
• That “D” on my report card can be easily turned into a “B.”
• I’ve only had forty-seven beers, yeah, I can drive (after a couple of pieces of gum)…and shit…I need to get my car home anyway…hiccup!
• What a stupid bitch! I gave her a $5 bill and she gave me $20 in change! (Should I keep it?) I’ll just invest the difference in mutual funds.
• 10 pieces of used underwear donated to the Salvation Army …let me see, how much do I owe the IRS? Oh, yeah…at $50 a piece, that should be a $500 deduction.
• Okay, I think I know what she wants after talking to her for 10 minutes…If I say what she wants to hear, we’ll be naked by midnight…

We knew it was wrong and dishonest; but who ever gets caught? We were tempted to do the things we knew we weren’t suppose to do for our own selfish personal gain.

Resisting temptation is especially bad when we’re told not to do something. We didn’t want to do it, until we were told not to do it! That’s why “reverse psychology” works so well.

We weren’t necessarily taught to think that way! We figured it out on our own, by what we saw others do! The people who were really good at getting away with greedy and dishonest ploys became politicians; the above average became successful salesmen (it doesn’t take much to be just a salesmen); the average learned to cheat their way through life; the below average (unless you live in a communist country) became lonely, homeless and desperate.

Two things are true:

• If you succumb to temptation and dishonesty and live your life to fulfill a wrong purpose, you will be miserable.
• If you think you’re going to get away with anything based on the premise that “everyone is dumber than I am” you will get caught…in one way or another…eventually (mostly out of your own stupidity and arrogance)..and you will be miserable.

Some of the richest men in the world are the most miserable and loneliest men in the world. Why? See above; how do you think some of them got to where they are?

Do what you enjoy and live an honest life the way you feel you should do so. Things will be so much easier and you will be able to sleep better at night. Be fair and respectful to people and surprisingly they will be fair and respectful to you (however, there are some exceptions).

After all I have taught you–for your own good–“Do not be tempted by any pictures of forbidden fruit,” so sayeth Guru Jeff. He has warned you!