INTRODUCTION

I have worked at many jobs: from being a minimum wage peon at Marineland to a middle class spiritual Guru.

Every place that I have worked, I always hear the same thing, “I don’t kiss ass!”

“Well, no shit,” I respond, “that’s why you’ve been working in the mailroom for the last twenty years!”

This informative page not only gives you insights on the proper procedures for kissing ass, but it also gives true stories about a couple of real life major kiss asses and their mistakes.

However, please note that true kiss asses don’t refer to kissing ass as kissing ass; it is properly called “playing politics.”

Friends, let’s face it, no matter what you do in life there is always going to be a certain amount of ass kissing involved to advance any type of a career.

If you fry up burgers at McDonald’s, you’ll never be promoted to french fries without a little brown nosing.

Even for the self employed, you need to kiss your customers’ butts; otherwise, they will go elsewhere and you’ll be stuck without a paycheck.

It is a common misconception that if you work hard, perform well and wait for your turn to come up– based on seniority– you will eventually be sitting in the corner CEO office smoking expensive cigars and lodging pencils in the ceiling, while your beautiful secretaries, receptionists and interns cater to your every whim.

This is nothing but a fallacy, especially in today’s job market.

Your boss wants to make sure that not only are you reliable, responsible and competent in the tasks at hand, but he wants to make sure you’ll always be intimidated by him and be willing to take the blame for his mistakes.

In return, as his kiss ass, you can reserve the right to blame the people underneath you for your supposed mistakes.

If it’s a really big mistake and your boss’ boss wants someone fired over it, who goes?

Obviously, the guy beneath you who rarely greets you and isn’t too popular with other management.

If the termination paperwork is insufficient, you also have to be sure the guy is too stupid to file a lawsuit. This topic brings us to the true story of:

RICH THE CORPORATE KISS ASS

I worked for this data processing service bureau called First Nightmare back in the early 90’s.

There was this microfiche supervisor named Rich who managed to kiss his way up to middle management.

He would spend countless overtime hours staying late and revising the overtime, sick pay, attendance and production procedures that the corporate office had set.

He ruled over the department with a iron fist (This behavior was probably attributed to some irrational attempt to gain psychological compensation for the fact that he was an insecure flaming homosexual).

He took his job seriously, and bragged to everyone about how well he could process and dupe microfiche.

If it was known that you didn’t like him, there was always an opening on the graveyard shift that needed to be filled, and that’s exactly what happened to Sammy.

Sammy was a 25 year old muscular black man who had been working there for several years and had the ability to run the whole shift by himself.

He despised Rich and called him “little Hitler.”

Sammy did his job very well and then left at the end of his shift, doing nothing extra or out of his way.

One morning, first shift came in; Sammy gave them a turnover report and then went in to the break room to make some coffee for the drive home.

As Sammy was relaxing, watching the coffee slowly drip from the filter, Rich entered.

He started demanding that Sammy perform several tasks before he left.

Sammy refused, poured his coffee and went home.

Upon Sammy’s return to work that night, there was Rich with Sammy’s termination papers and last paycheck.

He was fired for insubordination!

Sammy called several lawyers and even got the NAACP involved in the wrongful termination lawsuit.

Sammy quickly won a $70,000 judgement due to the fact that he had clocked out prior to refusing Rich’s orders!

Rich was demoted and eventually resigned several months later.

“The faster you rise without wings and a brain, the faster you will get shot down.” –Guru Jeff

The demands of a job vary depending on one’s work environment and company. Where competent people don’t or can’t make it, the incompetent often do. Hence, I give you the true story of:

JOE THE KINKO’S KISS ASS

All of you unskilled workers who are reading this should take heed to this story.

It proves in certain circumstances, that no matter how incompetent, lazy and stupid you are, you can have an above average paycheck compared to your level of skill.

I was doing research for a government sponsored report on the demoralization of American youth due to the corporate exploitation of low paid labor.

I was stationed in a branch office of Kinko’s posing as an employee.

Aside from the fact that the report has been completed (it has not been declassified, yet), there is one person that comes to mind that fits into the ass kissing category so well: Joe the Kinko’s kiss ass.

This is not an attack on Kinko’s at all!

Just like McDonald’s, Taco Bell and Jack in the Box, Kinko’s absorbs a lot of the would-be welfare recipients into the just-above-welfare income bracket.

This story could take place anywhere; if you’re not frying up burgers, you’re making copies.

If you’re not making copies, you’re doing something else equally meaningful.

Long-term welfare was designed for people like Joe the Kinko’s kiss ass: unskilled, uneducated with no ambition to do anything constructive with his life.

From what I have heard, he started his Kinko’s career several years back as an entry level copyboy.

He was soon fired for clocking another employee out — time card fraud is serious, especially when you’re milking corporate America for $6.50 an hour!

Faced with starvation due to the fact he had no marketable skills, he lied his way into another Kinko’s franchise.

Learning from his previous mistakes, he brown nosed his way to being 2nd Shift Supervisor — the perfect shift: no upper management supervision and a small army of manipulative teenagers to look after (or at).

When he wasn’t chain smoking in the back of the building or picking his butt in the back office, he was busy molesting the teenage workers — all the time making a Kinko’s fortune — $11 an hour.

He was unable to train the frequent batch of new employees, but that didn’t matter; nobody had to work anyway.

“Take the order and leave it for graveyard shift; they need something to do,” was the order everyday.

Coming to work drunk, smoking pot in the parking lot and having sex in the vacant conference room was totally acceptable as long as the following criteria was met:

1. Always wear your tie and keep your shirt tail tucked in.
2. Always come to work on time; if you’re over 7 minutes late, you’ll get written up.

Hey it’s better than going off to college!

You could party, get slightly paid and not even have to study!

It was that simple, if you look good, Joe the Kinko’s kiss ass will look good; if the orders didn’t get done by the morning, it was graveyard shift’s fault.

Along comes another manager — Dora, along with several complaints from customers who just happened to park down wind from the pot smoking bumper parties.

What do you think the customers thought after walking through a cloud of pot smoke, only to find out that their order is done wrong, lost or not done at all?

When I was doing my undercover work, I was told more than once by customers, “Some guy with red eyes told me to come back at midnight. He said you would be able to do this for me right away.”

Again, Joe the Kinko’s kiss ass weaseled his way out of his liability.

He probably blamed it on the fact that he was just soooo busy running the store, that he didn’t know what was going on in the parking lot.

Figuring out that the store was now irreparable, the new manager quit within a few months and another manager was brought in from the outside.

Joe the Kinko’s kiss ass was so distraught that he didn’t make manager, he begged to be transferred to a newly opening store in Dulver City.

His career in Dulver City didn’t last that long.

He allegedly was accused of sexually harassing a female coworker and was suspended.

Faced with the possibility of starvation again, he cashed in on his experience (”Hey, I can press the ’start’ button!”) and was hired at the Kinko’s La Segunda branch working as a day supervisor.

At least upper management could keep an eye on his activities.

For all I know, that is where he remains.

Realizing that he is a soiled individual that is nothing more than a pimple on the buttocks of the photocopying industry, I pray everyday that he has enough strength not to take his own life.

Actually, this is a happy ending.

If it wasn’t for where Joe the Kinko’s kiss ass worked, he would have been on the welfare doles as just another burden to society a long time ago.

“It’s not only whose butt you kiss, but where you kiss the butt.” –Guru Jeff

Union Jobs

Union jobs often offer a secure and very rewarding form of employment.

The union negotiates a higher than free-market wage and a more than traditionally decent work place in exchange for union dues.

However, due to the high wage constraint, it is significantly harder to secure a union job than nonunion job.

Union jobs often have a bad wrap because the first thing that people think of when hiring union labor is “high priced lazy workers.”

This maybe true in some circumstances, but it is not impossible to terminate an inefficient union worker; the supervisor just has to compile several reams of documentation to present to the union bosses.

However, if you lack ass kissing abilities and can do a job well, a union job is highly recommended.

Many nonunion companies stress that they are “union free so that each individual may negotiate their own terms of employment and become promotable through their own level of skills, without any union constraints.”

Translated, it usually means, “we are a cheap company, that is run by an asshole boss, that’s going to pay you just enough money to barely live, but not enough so you can save to quit.

Your raise, if any, will be 3% a year below the going inflation rate.”

10 STEPS TO KISSING YOUR WAY TO THE TOP

1. Never talk bad about the current boss to anyone!This includes fellow coworkers who may start the conversation. You never know who’s listening and you never know who will say something.
2. Never, ever confide personal details about yourself to anyone at work. Even the most trusted coworker will turn around and blab his mouth all over the place.People usually take “Don’t tell anybody, but…” as “Don’t tell anybody, but if you do, make sure they don’t tell anybody.”Within twenty minutes, rumors usually get around to the secretary who’s sleeping with the boss.After that, you’re off the promotion list.

   Remember, just because you’re not under arrest, doesn’t mean that everything you say won’t be twisted around and used against you.

   The only question that remains is when and by whom.

3. Never, ever make friends at work!Once you’ve kissed your way to the top, you may end up having to fire some of these people. It’s a lot less painless if you’ve kept your distance.
4. If your immediate boss is retiring or quitting and you have your eye on his position, find out who’s going to be making the replacement decision. Very rarely will it be your boss.If your boss is popular with upper management, have him put in a good word for you and proceed with the second half of the next step.
5. If upper management is happy your boss is leaving, talk to your boss’ boss and kiss his ass.A lot of times you don’t have to wait for your boss to quit. If you can nonchalantly get in good with the higher ups, you may end up taking your boss’ job anyway.Don’t offer suggestions on how to better run the place, those are too easily shot down.Tell him that your mother’s maiden name is the same as his last name and that you’re probably related.

   This technique is especially powerful if he has some off the wall ethnic name!

   Find out which church he goes to or what organizations he belongs to and “just by coincidence” run into him at one of these places.

   “Wow, we think so much alike!” or “we have so much in common” is a good ice breaker.

6. As soon as the decision making person trusts you, you can eliminate any competition by saying things like, “You know, I think so-and-so would be a good manager, but…and I really don’t think I should bring it up…but, I’ve heard him say that if he was promoted, he’s going to start his own business and take our client base with him. But please, keep this between me and you.” Believe me, as long as you can say it with a straight face, so-and-so will be cleaning the corporate toilets the following Monday!
7. Once you’ve gotten your boss’ position, start kissing higher level asses by repeating the steps starting with number 5, in addition to using the advanced ass kissing techniques that follow.
8. Hire yourself a whipping boy; someone who’s young, impressionable and expendable. Tell him crap like, “You can go far in this company. Just follow my lead.”His main function will be to spy on your subordinates, eliminate anyone trying to kiss his way into your position in addition to taking the blame for all of your mistakes.
9. Make yourself look important. Leave instructions before going home to “page me if there’s any problems.” Have your whipping boy start some type of bogus crisis that only you can fix.After coming back to work, have your whipping boy call corporate and inform them that you’ve come back and are handling the problem.If you know a few customers personally, have them write a letter of praise to the company President telling him how you saved the day.
10. Make yourself look good on paper, too. Ask for an increased budget, then lay some dead weight off, order cheaper supplies and replace menial jobs with state-sponsored mentally retarded workers.Then, next quarter brag about how much you came in under budget and how much money you saved the company!Also mention that given the opportunity you could do the same for the whole company!Can’t you just see the CEOs’ mouths just watering?

Good luck with your careers!

“Kiss ass or be given the boot.” –Guru Jeff