“There are two types of gamblers - losers and liars” — My Uncle Eddie

I was sitting in a local tavern while counseling one of my parishioners over several beers.

He soon pulled out 40, one dollar “Fantasy Five” lottery tickets to have the bartender check for him.

I’ll call this guy “Ron” for the sake of this story.

I’ve known Ron for many years; he’s a disabled Veteran who lives in subsidized housing and sustains off of $945 a month from disability benefits.

I asked him, “How much do you win if you hit all five numbers?”

“It depends on how many people play, but the last time somebody won, it paid about $50,000,” he said.

I picked up a play slip, turned it over and examined the odds.

I continued, “You know Ron, your odds of hitting all five are one in 575,757 - and you only get paid $50,000?”

“Who cares what the odds are?

“As long as I win and get paid, that’s all that matters to me,” he responded, slightly irritated.

Trying to knock some common sense into Ron, I said, “If you bought every single combination, you would spend $575,757 to get back $50,000.

“They’re taking your one dollar and giving you back 9 cents!”

He took another gulp of beer and increasingly pissed off he said, “You’re a moron!

“You would have to be stupid to buy that many tickets!

“That’s why I buy only 40.

“Forty tickets gives me a lot better chance than buying just one.”

Trying to calm him down I said, “You’re right Ron; it’s better to have a 40 in 575,757 chance than a 1 in 575,757 chance.”

By this time, the bartender returned with the results of his forty tickets - three “replays” but no money.

He looked over at me and said, “You can’t win every time, but that $50,000, or whatever it will pay, is certainly going to come in handy when I do win it.”

I had a bright idea to see just how ignorant this guy is.

I asked him, “How would you like to win some of your money back right now?”

He looked at me with suspicion and said, “What do I have to do?”

“Simple,” I explained, “all you have to do is guess the number that you’re about to roll on a single die.”

“That’s it?”

“Yeah, that’s it!

“For every dollar you put up you get three plus your original dollar back when you’re right,” I said.

Ron laughed, “Can I bet more than one number?”

“Of course, you can bet all six if you want.”

I asked for a piece of paper, a pen and a couple of dice from the bartender.

I divided the paper into six sections and marked each section from one to six.

“OK Ron, put a dollar on the numbers you want to bet, pick one of the two dice and roll,” I said.

Ron gave a greedy laugh while he put a dollar each on number one, three and six.

He picked up the die and rolled a four.

I took his three dollars; again he put a dollar up on each of the same numbers - one, three and six.

Ron picked up the same die and rolled a three.

He laughed, “See, I told you! You need to make multiple bets.”

I handed Ron his three dollar prize plus his original dollar that he bet on number three and congratulated him.

Ron played the same numbers again and rolled a six.

He was happy; I paid him.

We played eight more times.

Every time Ron lost, I kept his three dollars; every time he won, I gave him back what was on the “board” and handed him a buck out of my pocket.

Out of 11 “games,” Ron had a winning number on five of them.

I collected a total of $33 dollars in wagers and gave him back $15 in prizes.

Ron was happy when he won; but since the game isn’t very exciting, we stopped playing after 11 rolls.

Ron attributed the fact that he had less money now than when we started on his “luck.”

“A lottery is nothing more than a tax on the mathematically challenged” –Benjamin Franklin

Not to take advantage of a disabled veteran - for all I knew he suffered a brain injury - I bought him several beers with the money I just “earned.”

What astonishes me, is that his view towards gambling is pretty typical of the chronic “serious” lottery player.

Let’s face it, the only entities to make money from gambling in the long run are the bookies, casinos and government.

Most gamblers realize that the odds are stacked against them.

Statistically over several hundred turns, if you play a decent game of blackjack or craps, you put up one dollar and get back 95-97% of your money.

Due to the fluctuations of probability, it will appear as though you’re either winning or losing larger amounts.

Roulette, slots, sports games and horse races are geared to take 5-25% of every dollar wagered - and to most knowledgeable gamblers, 25% is too much.

Even the mafia, when they ran numbers, would take no more than 33 cents on the dollar.

State lotteries are just an out right plain as day rip off taking over half the money you put in.

What about the Super Jackpot Lotteries?

The “Power Ball” or 6/49 games - whatever they’re called in different parts of the country - are all run the same.

You buy a ticket for a dollar; less than 40 cents goes back into the prize pool.

Even though the jackpot may be $12 million, the odds of winning might be one in 60 million.

Then, if you’re lucky enough to win, they take that $12 million, put it in an annuity and pay you off over the next twenty years, using the interest the prize money has generated!

Of course, you could have taken the “one lump sum” option - where you take only half the jack pot!

You can make big bucks in a lottery!

The problem is, you have to run your own.

More than likely, for political reasons, it is illegal where you are.

But, if it were legal, a lottery could be something as simple as picking the last three numbers of the Friday closing of the Dow.

The odds are one in 1,000.

So, if you guarantee a payoff of $500 to the winner, you would be able to keep half the money you collect long term - just have the prize money in reserve first, just in case!

When I feel like playing the lottery, either out of shear drunkenness or fantasizing about a very large jackpot, I will always buy two tickets.

Why two?

Taking advice from Ron, two tickets gives me more of a chance to win as opposed to just one!

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One of the biggest rip offs in today’s society is credit.

Except for a home mortgage, any modern credit debt is doomed to put you into corporate bondage.

If you’re stuck making minimum payments and never make any charges again, you’re basically doomed to monetary slavery for the next 30 years.

In the good old days of credit cards, it was illegal to charge late and over the limit fees.

Basically, usury was illegal.

You could make your payment a few days late and it was no big deal; there was no such thing as a “credit score.”

Just the fact that you now have a credit “score” implies that having credit is a game.

Big corporations and the government want you to use credit cards.

After all, whenever you make a purchase with a credit card, you leave a trail — where you were, what you bought, what you eat, what your interests and hobbies are.

These records can be bought and sold to marketing companies and used against you in court.

Of all the credit card companies that now exist, the biggest rip off of them all by far is Capital One!

Capital One actively solicits debt slaves in colleges; they also sponsor sporting events and have slick commercials that try and make people believe that what they offer is “the no hassle card.”

Don’t be fooled!

Below is an updated story that I originally posted to one of the many “Capital One Sucks” websites:

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I received an offer from Capital One for a “Visa PLATINUM” card with a credit limit UP TO $5,000!I am one who has lived without much credit and thought that a credit card would be good to have when traveling or incase of emergencies.I knew the “up to” $5,000 credit limit was just marketing, but the interest rate was reasonable.

I received my PLATINUM Visa card, but the only way to find out what your credit limit is was to call and “activate” the card.

I ended up being approved with an astounding $300 credit limit!

What they sent me was a Visa Classic card with a Platinum color.

I was not upset.

This being my only credit card, and not expecting to use it for anything other than travel at that point, was perfectly acceptable to me.

I ended up pulling cash advances off the card to almost the credit limit.

I did some traveling afterwards, paying my way with cash.

I received my first bill.

They tacked on a $56 membership fee, in addition to $20 in “cash advance” fees along with interest.

Okay, I was a little pissed.

Money was tight that month, so I mailed my minimum payment off four days before the due date.

I never used the card after my first payment.

My second bill contained not only interest, but a $29 late fee and a $29 over the limit fee!

I called the customer service line to ask about the charges.

My payment was due on May 14, 2002.

The customer service rep. told me they didn’t receive the payment until the 15th.

My check was cashed the 18th.

My second statement was printed the 19th; this statement stated that my first payment was never received, even though the rep. said that they processed it on the 15th.

Okay, I just asked for the charges to be reversed.

The rep. said that she couldn’t do that and that there was nothing I could do.

“Okay, cancel my card.”

“I’ll do that, but until we receive full payment you’ll still be responsible for paying the interest and fees,” she said in a bitchy manner.

“That’s fine,” I said.

I paid the full amount off plus about $40, just incase.

Three months cost me about $165 dollars in interest, penalties and fees for a $300 card!

Yes, I did pay on time.

According to Capital One, I should have sent my payment immediately upon receipt of my bill.

But wait!

Why does their bill have a due date?

Shouldn’t it state “payable on receipt?”

Postmarks don’t matter to Capital One; when they get around to processing your payment is when they officially “receive” it.

If they process it a couple of days after the due date, they don’t ding your credit; they just charge you a $29 late fee.

What happens if that $29 late fee pushes you over your limit?

They charge you an additional $29!

I never liked credit cards, and it will be along time before I consider getting another one.

Capital One must think I’m stupid.

All I can say is, Fuck You Capital One!

Keep on marketing to students and derelicts, but sometimes you’re going to issue a card to someone with a brain, and a computer, who won’t put up with your rip off bullshit.

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Links:

• Capital One Sucks! The Un-official Consumer Complaint Site
• The Complaint Station For Capital One Financial Corporation
• Capitol One sucks

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