After two days in a Thanksgiving induced comatose state, Guru Jeff has foretold the following prophecies for the first half of 2008.

International:

Paris Hilton will broker a lasting Middle East peace deal and become the most trusted American spokeswoman in the Muslim world.

Iran will give up their nuclear ambitions and outsource the effort to India.

Osama Bin Laden will market a soft drink flavored with opium; the soda will be called, “Al Qaeda Cola” and target the Afghanistan and Pakistan market.

North Korea will buy five tons of yellow cake from Betty Crocker.

Fidel Castro will kick the bucket without the help of the CIA.

A special beer will be invented to help end world hunger; it will be called “Gruel-Meister.”

Politics:

The Illuminati will launch a smear campaign to thwart the Republican presidential nomination of Dr. Ron Paul.

Rudy Giuliani’s mafia connections will emerge.

Hillary Clinton will be outed as a lesbian.

Bill Clinton will start his own internet porn site.

President Bush will say something really stupid during one of his speeches.

In The United States:

A long shot will win the Kentucky Derby; the horses name will be… will be… it will have more than five letters in the name and at least two vowels.

Mindless television programs will dominate the airwaves.

Americans will, by in large, continue to get fatter; no pun intended.

OJ Simpson will be found not guilty in his Las Vegas armed robbery trial; his defense motto will be, “If OJ didn’t run, of course there was no gun.”

It will rain in drought-affected areas.

Donald Rumsfeld will launch a career as a television preacher; he will become famous for his on the air faith healings and conversations with God.

A famous celebrity will die in an automobile crash.

Rush Limbaugh will market his own diet and exercise program.

Business:

Opec will announce that they will soon accept Euros and Yen for payment of oil.

The American Dollar will start to compete in value with the Zimbabwean Dollar.

The Illuminati will plan to “liberate the entire Middle East.”

Microsoft and Walmart will conspire to buy Red China.

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